Many people ask me the way to have good sex, it is simple and we all have the answer, start with yourself and become your own best lover. Celebrating who you are means fully accepting with enjoying your body on all its different levels, from the touch of your skin, to the sound you make when you are having fun, to the fantasies you create. Sexual relaxation, like everything else, takes time and experimentation, initially with yourself and then if appropriate with another. High self-esteem comes from enjoying your body, not comparing it to anyone else’s. Here are some women’s stories to inspire you.
How I found my sexuality again
“I first discovered masturbation at the tender age of 13. I was totally bored at school and was able to disguise this with mind-blowing experiences under my desk. The nun who was trying to teach me was oblivious to this and so I was able to merrily masturbate which was so much more fun than the three ‘Rs’. At this time sex was a very taboo subject. I now work with young girls and it is wonderful to see that they can discuss sex openly and without fear. We have certainly come a long way from the days when it was a mortal sin to even think of placing your hands anywhere on your body which cause pleasure. I grew up and married, had two children and a dreadful sex life which of course eventually led to total breakdown of the relationship. At this point it felt very safe to shut down, which I was able to do without any effort.
“After many years I met through a dear friend a lovely man who was to become my saviour. We became lovers and I played the game of bluff, but he was wiser than I was. Because he was a patient man he taught me how to love using one word ‘surrender’, I did and at last I had my first full body orgasm. We no longer see each other but I will always have a special place in my heart for him.”
It’s never too late
“After thirty years of not masturbating, or having sex because of a sexual trauma, I finally realised in my mid-sixties that I needed to address this issue. I went into a women’s sex shop and bought an array of vibrators, dildos, videos and books and spent the next few months exploring the new realms of myself. Under my pillow lives my favourite vibrator and sex toy and at the moment I go to the moon three times a week, which is much better than playing bowls or cards. I never thought life would begin again in my mid-sixties.”
Childhood exploration with a friend
“At six years old I was fascinated with genitals. My next door neighbour, who was the same age as me, would play and touch in the cupboard. My thrill came one day when I showed him how I masturbated lying on my tummy rocking back and forth on my hands until I reached amazing sensations, which I later learned was an orgasm. Thirty years later I still use these techniques to have fun.”
Most women have been told that masturbation is bad, but it is an essential way to find out what you like and how your body responds. You cannot expect a lover to know what turns you on unless you have done your homework. Some women might feel that masturbation is wrong, shameful or boring but it is really about you taking time to explore your body, in a sensual way. There are various techniques I have learnt through Betty Dodson who has taught women, masturbation workshops in the USA for 30 years.