Alan Tegg B. Com, BA Hon., specialising in sexual abuse and trauma issues

“The abilities to both love and experience good sex is developed, it does not come naturally. It is established in the early years of life by the parent¼s and child¼s interaction and if love and emotional generosity is not experienced by the child then many difficulties can arise for them as adults. Until you have gained a degree of understanding and loving in the present, it will not be possible for you to have a sexually loving relationship with another.

“When sexual fantasies become obsessive, they might feel good at the time but at a deeper level they hurt you because they inevitably get in the way in the intimacy. If phone sex was the main way someone became sexually aroused it is often indicates that there was a lack of communication in their early family environment, or a lack of intimacy and love. Phone sex duplicates a situation of little depth or real communication because there is no bodily or eye contact and no emotional interaction.

“If one of the parents was into pornography or paedophilia, this is the home atmosphere the child grows up in. This becomes duplicated in many negative ways, e.g. rather than children having a sensual joy in themselves, they are exposed to abusive sexual expression. The beauty of sex gets turned into pornography, which objectifies the body which makes it difficult to create intimacy and love. This can get acted out in the adult sexual field.”

While it is good that sexual abuse is now being recognized as a major problem, with repercussions right into adulthood, there are also other forms of childhood abuse which are never acknowledged. These can involve being touched inappropriately, being denied warmth and affection and having expressions of our love returned with anger, indifference or even violence. In addition many people come from a racial, cultural or religious background where physical closeness, or emotional nurturing is not valued. If you have come from such a background, it will be difficult to naturally feel a deep sense of sexual connected with yourself and another. Regardless of your childhood experiences you can move beyond them to place of sexual joy and fulfilment.